Caring for loved ones

The holidays can be difficult. It is challenging to care for ourselves but it is also challenging to care for our loved ones who may be hurting. It is difficult to see people we love suffering. Here are a few considerations:

1. The holidays can be stressful, even triggering. Begin by taking care of you. If you have not read our blog Caring for yourself through the holidays this is a good place to start. You might have heard the cliché that you can’t pour from an empty cup. I agree with this and it is hard to practice. If we are not caring for our needs, we risk building resentment.

• Practice compassionate assumptions for the people in your life.

• Practice being a compassionate witness to the pain they may be experiencing.

• Create opportunities for connection and support. If you have a loved one who is high needs, it may be helpful to schedule a time with a beginning and an end. This can allow you to be fully present without risking overwhelm. For example, meet for lunch or coffee for an hour at a time. Your boundaries matter and protect you from resentment.

• Practice “I notice” statements to help your loved one feel seen. The goal is to observe a shift that indicates a need for care. For example, you might say, “I notice you have been quiet lately”. You can follow this up with, “what is the best way I can support you here?” It may be helpful to avoid making assumptions about what is needed.

• Know the limitations of your responsibility. If your loved one suffers from grief, mental illness, or trauma, it is not something you “fix”. Offering to listen or provide connection (even without words) can soothe their suffering for small moments at a time.

• Don’t underestimate the value of distraction. If your resources allow, invite your loved one to see a movie, run an errand, or participate in a holiday tradition. This can also provide some here-and-now grounding if they feel triggered.

 Suffering exists. Mental illness exists. Grief is difficult and real. Be gentle with yourself and others this holiday and take a break when needed. You matter.