The healing work of forgiveness; a trauma sensitive perspective

I (Elizabeth) am a practicing Christian, raised in the church, and living in the Bible Belt. I am also an experienced trauma counselor. I work with those who have suffered great abuses, many times at the hands of those who were supposed to be safe and almost always from those in positions of power.

In many faith traditions, forgiveness is pushed as an avenue, sometimes the primary avenue, of healing. Theologically, I believe forgiveness is sacrificial and Christlike. When we forgive others, we are responding to pain the way Christ did. We may sacrifice revenge, the last word, or even justice in order to forgive. This is a beautiful thing.

When it comes to trauma, however, and especially trauma through abuse or neglect, the pressure to forgive can feel at best invalidating and at most unsafe and retraumatizing. Forgiveness as the primary avenue of healing may put inappropriate responsibility on the victim to “make things right,” “move on,” reconcile, or return to their pre-trauma baseline.

I have worked with sexual assault survivors and child incest survivors who were counseled by faith leaders to forgive their abusers early in treatment and often while still in relationship with the abuser. I believe the intention was good, and the hope was that through compassion and forgiveness, the abuser’s heart would soften and the abuser would change their behavior. This was never the case in my experience, although I am sure there might be exceptions. As Kiser & Heath point out in their book Trauma-Informed Evangelism, “Forgiveness, unfortunately, can be used by those on the top side of the power differentials as a tool of manipulation to restore the status quo of existing power structures and oppression”. In abusive relationships, early forgiveness on the part of the victim may inadvertently enable abuse to continue. Kiser and Heath further point out that “Healing forgiveness assumes that a survivor has already exited the abusive environment. Space for healing forgiveness is made after the evil of abuse has been lamented and grieved”. Evil exists, and you are allowed to set boundaries around what is and is not okay.

In her book Power; surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse, Shahida Arabi points out that individuals who are truly narcissistic or antisocial are not motivated by compassion or empathy. Although I firmly believe in the power of compassion to transform, this is not true for individuals who are self-righteous, entitled, or unable to take responsibility. These individuals are motivated by consequences. Abusive individuals who lack empathy will not respond to compassion as a motivation to change. (for those Christians out there, perhaps this is why Jesus’s tone is so different with religious leaders). This further supports the idea that those in abusive situations must be freed from the abusive situation prior to any other work. To push forgiveness without establishing safety is not only unethical, it is dangerous.

Let me be clear, I think the work of healing forgiveness is incredibly powerful and important work. In fact, I don’t think we can be in healthy relationship without forgiveness. But for the trauma survivor it is late-stage work. Safety must come first, then grief and trauma processing. Once the survivor has established safety and processed trauma so that their nervous system can distinguish past and present, then they may choose to do the work of forgiveness. Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation and does not require contact with the perpetrator. It is also a very personal choice and is never forced or required.

If there is someone who has hurt you, begin with boundaries. What boundaries need to be in place to protect your physical, emotional, and spiritual safety? If you are unable to set boundaries for yourself because you are still in an abusive situation, seek professional support. I have some resources listed below. Once safety is established you can begin to establish further support and grieve and/or process your experiences. Practice care for you. If you feel invited or led to move on to the late-stage work of forgiveness, find support for this too. Do not sacrifice your safety to enable abuse, rather forgive from a distance that honors your boundaries. It need not involve contact with any individual or system that is not safe for you. You matter.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

References and recommended reading

Arabi, S. (2017). POWER: Surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse. Thought Catalog Books.

žBaldwin, J. (2018). Trauma-sensitive theology. Eugene, OR. Cascade books.

žGriffith, S. (2024) Forgiveness after trauma. Grand Rapids: BrazosPress.

Kiser, C. & Heath, E.A. (2023) Trauma-informed evangelism. Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.