Caring for yourself through the holidays

The holidays can be a tough time. Some of us are adapting to losses, many of us experience an interruption in our routines, and there are often increased family interactions and obligations. If you have a history of relational trauma, the holidays may be triggering. This can lead to increased burnout or fatigue.

Burnout is the cumulative effect when our stress outweighs our resources. To avoid burnout, we must continually manage our stress, complete the stress cycle, and tap into resources that allow us to care for ourselves. Self-care is difficult, and it is more than hot baths and chocolate. Some resources—like time and energy—are finite. Self-care is the ability to practice stewardship of our resources so we can keep going.

Preventative Ideas for Managing Stress

Managing stress effectively means regulating our brains and bodies appropriately. Regulation, simply put, is our ability to match our energy to the circumstance—sleeping at night or focusing when necessary. There are many types of regulation:

1. Sensory—Sensory regulation is anything that connects us to our five senses. Much of our thoughts are occupied by the past or the future. Sensory regulation connects us to our experience in the moment—a pleasant smell, hot shower, or good coffee.
2. Somatic—Somatic regulation connects us to our body. This could be deep breathing, exercise, or stretching. Not only does exercise complete the stress cycle (which I’ll mention below), it counters the long-term impact of stress.
3. Cognitive—Cognitive regulation is when we use our thinking brains to re-direct or re-frame our thought patterns. When we think certain thoughts, we strengthen pathways in the brain associated with those thoughts. When we avoid thoughts the pathways atrophy. Things like gratitude, prayer, and affirmations build muscle memory in our brain so that it becomes easier to access positive thoughts over time. It is important to note here that I can believe something positive (i.e. “I am enough”) and still feel hurt when someone is unkind. Truth and feelings are not mutually exclusive.
4. Relational—Being around others that we care about and who care about us regulates our brains through coregulation. We are designed for relationship and human connection is vitally important for our health. Connection can be hard if you have attachment wounding or relational trauma. So be gentle with yourself and practice connecting in safe ways.  

It is important when it comes to self-care and regulation that we don’t try, we practice. We are not going to be good at things that are new to us (most of us anyway). Practice connecting, practice moving your body, practice mindfulness. It also may be helpful to care for yourself in a scheduled, predictable way. If we only do these things is crisis, we may believe they don’t work—like drinking one glass of water when I am already dehydrated. Self-care as prevention is much more effective.

Complete the Stress Response Cycle

In the book, Burnout, by Emily Nogoski and Amelia Nagoski the authors talk about the stressor and the stress response. We may not always be able to control or impact the stressor (like a pandemic for example) but we can manage our stress response. They define wellness as the ability to move through stress and back again, not the absence of stress.

The stress response is our physiological reaction to stress. I won’t go into the science here but it is basically our fight, flight, or freeze reactions. These are our natural responses that help us survive hard things. Sometimes, however, we get stuck in these states and might feel anxious all the time (fight or flight) or in a completely checked out and numb (freeze). Completing the cycle means helping your physiology move full circle back to a state of calm. Here are research supported ways the authors suggest to complete the cycle:

1. Exercise—Move your body and increase your heart rate. If you hate exercise or are unable to exercise the authors suggest progressive muscle relaxation. There are plenty of free resources on YouTube to practice this.
2. A good cry—Crying is good for us, it does something for us physiologically. Allow it.
3. Laughing—We know “laughter is the best medicine” and there is a reason we say this. It also helps our physiology move through the cycle.
4. Connection—We need people. Connection to animals works too. Research indicates that connection might be the single biggest factor that impacts our resilience.
5. Affection—The authors suggest trying a 20 second hug in which each person supports their own weight. You can also express affection to animals.
6. Creative Expression—Write, paint, create. Engage parts of you that don’t use words to communicate.
7. Deep Breathing—Box breathing is a good place to start. You can practice this by taking a deep, slow breath for 4 seconds, pause for 4 seconds, slowly breath out for 4 seconds, and then pause again for 4 seconds. Repeat this 3 times.

You’ll notice that all of the ways to complete the cycle require action. You must do something to get unstuck. Cognitive regulation is great for prevention but sometimes our cognitive resources diminish with ongoing stress. We can’t always (if ever) talk ourselves out of burnout or chronic stress. It is okay if not every strategy works for you. There may be some strategies that come more naturally than others.

Back to the Basics

If all else fails go back to the basics and care for your physical being. This means sleep and wake at predictable times. Eat when you feel hungry. Clean your living space. Shower. Most importantly, sleep when you are tired. I know this is not always easy or possible. But sometimes starting with the physical care of the body helps us get going. After all, your body is a part of you and you deserve care.

Cognitively, aligning with a strong sense of purpose helps us manage ongoing stress. Why do you do what you do? If your life had a mission statement, what would it be? We manage stress better when we believe there is a reason for our work and our being. Caring for ourselves allows us to practice stewardship of our resources, including our bodies, so we can do the work we were designed to do for a long time.

Finally, grieve what is not yours to hold. We grieve losses but we also grieve when things do not look as we hoped or imagine. We grieve the things we can’t fix. Taking too much responsibility for the outcome prevents grief. Identify what is yours and grieve what is not.

This is hard work. We are made to feel and sometimes we can’t change the feeling or fix the situation so we care for ourselves through it. You matter.

Resources and Recommended Reading

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

Rising Strong by Brene Brown

10% Happier by Dan Harris

Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer